


The Malfoy Code of Conduct

by Notsalony



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Author Resources, Humor, Laws, M/M, Malfoys - Freeform, Morals, Multi, Other, PWP, Plot Bunnies - Freeform, Role Playing, Rules, WTF, character exploration, codes, family traditions, just plain wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 13:40:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10900503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notsalony/pseuds/Notsalony
Summary: The Malfoy Code of Conduct, Volume 1, written, edited, abridged, unabridged, altered, unaltered, burned, salvaged, restored, and collated via the mystical arts of muggle technology. This copy was stolen by an unknown Witch whom also burned the East Wing’s Conservatory’s Library to the ground to cover her tracks.  If found, please return to Malfoy Manor post haste.





	The Malfoy Code of Conduct

**Author's Note:**

> The Malfoy Code of Conduct, Volume 1, written, edited, abridged, unabridged, altered, unaltered, burned, salvaged, restored, and collated via the mystical arts of muggle technology. This copy was stolen by an unknown Witch whom also burned the East Wing’s Conservatory’s Library to the ground to cover her tracks. If found, please return to Malfoy Manor post haste so we may track this dangerous Witch down for stealing our secrets!

** The General Rules and Code Section: **

 

A Malfoy never stoops to shag, a MALFOY fornicates. Since the word sounds all together more like wiping one's own ass in silk and less like one is doing it on the carpet.

 

A Malfoy does not fart or pass gas, A Malfoy exudes a pleasant aroma at all times.

 

A Malfoy must never fornicate with lesser animals, magical animals on the other hand are only to be fornicated with while only Malfoys are present to witness the deed.

 

A Malfoy must never forget his pride, because the second he does, so will everyone else.

 

A Malfoy is never too beautiful

 

A Malfoy is never too old

 

A Malfoy is of legal age when his father says he is.

 

A Malfoy is of **CONSENTING** age when his father says he is.

 

A Malfoy consents when his father says he does.

 

A Malfoy is above the law

 

A Malfoy is better then everyone else, except his father.

 

A Malfoy must never do anything to endanger the family or their pocket book.

 

A Malfoy must always enjoy other's pain and misery for it is the life blood of immortality.

 

A Malfoy is never riding Bitch, he is always the first one on the broom, never the second, even if he happens to be the passenger.

 

Meaningless trysts don't count as devirgining before a marriage unless you're female.

 

Every male Malfoy must fuck at least one half blood boy, preferably with dark hair and green eyes.

 

A Malfoy never shrieks, he gives a dignified yell.

 

A Malfoy must never^ever worship a madman.

 

A Malfoy must never follow half blooded blind mad men around as if they wish to sniff the crotch of their undershorts.

 

A Malfoy must always remember that he is worth more then everyone else.

 

A Malfoy must avoid anyone with the last name Potter, except for sex.

 

A Malfoy must have at least seven trysts with a Potter to understand if they like boys or girls.

 

A Malfoy must always avoid falling walls, they make unsightly messes should they fall upon you and there is to be nothing unsightly about a Malfoy.

 

A Malfoy is to remember the condoms, because the stupid half blood can't be arsed to buy them.

 

A Malfoy must spend sixteen hours a day practicing sexual intercourse with himself so that he's prepared should the need arise.

 

A Malfoy is to always carry a small bottled potion of lubricant with him because the stupid half blood always forgets it.

 

A Malfoy is to keep his pubic mound shaved, because the stupid half blood hates getting hair in his teeth and has such a lovely mouth.

 

A Malfoy will always shag fornicate with Quidditch players, preferably pro players, as lean bodies tend to preform better in the fornication that follows a celebration of Quidditch.

 

A Malfoy will only preform oral sex while both partners are utterly naked, unless the Malfoy is the one receiving the oral sex.

 

A Malfoy must never fornicate with an object larger then their forearm.

 

A Malfoy must never use honey or other such common items as lube.

 

 **Revision** : A Malfoy must never use honey or other such common items as lube during fornication. If they are attempting to make an erotic display for someone, honey from magical bees is acceptable. But a Malfoy's ass is simply too good and satisfying to be cheapened by such tawdry things.

 

A Malfoy must never forgo rules of conduct simply for a bout of fornication.

 

A Malfoy must never forget themselves and fornicate at a party full of people.

 

A Malfoy must never share a bed with more then seventeen people.

 

A Malfoy must never allow himself to be fisted.

 

A Malfoy must never beg.

 

A Malfoy must never pay for the right to fornicate someone unless the person offends the Malfoy honor and then the Malfoy must leave a small cash token to belittle the person.

 

A Malfoy must never let anyone else watch or see him sucking his own phallus.

 

A Malfoy must never allow a muggle artifact into his anus.

 

A Malfoy should ride horses, but never vice-versa.

 

A Malfoy must always have at least two sexually willing cronies.

 

A Malfoy must never give L'Oréal products to a non-Malfoy. Because they're not worth it.

 

A Malfoy must never miss the chance to be the meat in a sexual sandwich involving twins.

 

A Malfoy must never reach climax before whoever the Malfoy is with at that moment.

 

A Malfoy must never allow his kinky side to come out with anyone below a head of state or with lightning scared half bloods, and the same is said of Malfoy's bottoming.

 

A Malfoy must always remember the family’s secret motto, we take them from behind.

 

A Malfoy is not to partake in the use of printed fabrics, the only time a Malfoy may wear an openly patterned(plaids, stripes of different colors, florals,) fabric is in penitence for a failing during such time the penitent party can not have contact with any other members of the family. If the offending party is not yet a member of the family, but is a close friend, betrothed, or business partner the offended Malfoy must forgo all contact with offending parties for one full week, after cleansing all flesh and eyes with the harshest cleansing spells known to the house elf.

 

A Malfoy always does things his way.

 

A Malfoy is never drunk, he is pleasantly intoxicated.

 

A Malfoy is never late, he arrives precisely when the most amount of people and the proper angle and acoustics for his entrance have reached maximum excitement levels.  Not because his alarm clock may or may not have melted.

 

**The Lancelot De Malfoy Section** : Also known as the Accords of 1482

 

A Malfoy shall not work with the church.

 

A Malfoy will not become a member of any religion beyond his magical heritage.

 

A Malfoy shall not ever make consultation with deities of religions not be fitting of a pure blood wizard.

 

A Malfoy shall not believe in one god over others.

 

A Malfoy is never to be considered orthodox in any form of the word.

 

A Malfoy must never keep the Sabbath day.

 

A Malfoy will remember to treat deities with as much respect as he would show his own genitals, for like such most are useful when used correctly.

 

A Malfoy must never, under any circumstances, fall to their knees in holy reverence.

 

A Malfoy must never step foot in any cathedral built prior to 1482.

 

A Malfoy must never believe in “god”.

 

A Malfoy must never question if “god” is real.

 

A Malfoy must never **EVER** attempt divine magic.

 

A Malfoy must never question their place in the cosmos.

 

A Malfoy must never enter Vault 112.  Vault 112 does not exist.  It **never** existed , **STOP ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT VAULT 112**!

 

A Malfoy must be of service to anyone who speaks one of the nine words of power we keep hidden in the book of unknowable deeds.  Do not question where we got this book.  The book is in our library, it’s indestructible.  Do not attempt to set fire to the library to find it, again.

 

A Malfoy must never possess graven idols.

 

A Malfoy must never possess an alter.

 

A Malfoy must never take part in Mass.

 

A Malfoy must never take Holy Communion.

 

A Malfoy must have premarital sex.

 

A Malfoy must never question about his immortal soul.

 

A Malfoy must never touch a Bible

 

A Malfoy must always know Latin

 

A Malfoy must never enter into a Faustian deal regarding his soul.

 

A Malfoy must never sacrifice his first born heir.

 

A Malfoy should refrain from drinking spirits that loosen his tongue.

 

A Malfoy should never write rules while intoxicated.

 

**The Tristram De Malfoy Section** : Also known as the Arthurian age section. ^This section is optional as Tristram and his son were both black sheep and sorted into Gryffindor....

 

A Malfoy will show bravery.

 

A Malfoy will show honor.

 

A Malfoy will show respect.

 

A Malfoy will survive.

 

A Malfoy will not kill muggles.

 

A Malfoy will not lie.

 

A Malfoy will not cheat.

 

A Malfoy will not steal.

 

A Malfoy will not murder.

 

A Malfoy will respect the code of chivalry.

 

A Malfoy will always help those in need.

 

A Malfoy must be keen of mind.

 

A Malfoy must abstain from drinking spirits.

 

A Malfoy must be pure of heart.

 

A Malfoy must be pure of thought.

 

A Malfoy must be pure of deed.

 

A Malfoy must be pure of action.

 

A Malfoy must be pure of intent.

 

A Malfoy is with in his rights to slaughter every last worthless muggle born bastard who dared lay a single finger let alone their disease ridden cocks on his son with out his consent.

 

**The Nathaniel De Malfoy Section** : Also known as the Art Section

 

A Malfoy is to always have a wizarding portrait done of him or herself.

 

A Malfoy is to stipulate in their will if they wish to have their portrait in the Grand Gallery.

 

A Malfoy will always care for the Grand Gallery.

 

A Malfoy will always have his best and most loyal house elves painted into the Grand Gallery.

 

A Malfoy will always ensure that the painting entitled “Ancestral House Elf Wilds” is always located in the Grand Gallery.

 

A Malfoy will always ensure that the painting entitled “The Dragons of Oxford” is always located in the Grand Gallery.

 

A Malfoy must always be the caretaker of the Grand Gallery.

 

A Malfoy must always know how to duel with a sword, a dagger, two bladed weapons, as well as his wand.

 

A Malfoy is to add at least one other painting to the Grand Gallery in his or her life time.

 

A Malfoy must never ask about how Nathaniel De Malfoy came to join the Grand Gallery.  It’s rude.

 

**The Great Uncle Agregance Malfoy Section:** Also known as the “other” art lover’s section.  Also known as the utter nutter who was  WAY too into the Grand Gallery.

 

Dragons, we need more Dragons in the Grand Gallery.

 

A Malfoy must add at least one Dragon breed to the Grand Gallery at least every few hundred years.

 

The House Elf village is looking a little run down, someone should a paint a fertile field for them.

 

A Malfoy must check the weather cycles for the climate spells on the mystical canvases in the Grand Gallery no less then once a decade.

 

A Malfoy must add a new magical creature to the Grand Gallery every decade.

 

The colony of Witches and Wizards in the upstairs in the west library are nudists now, do not expose the painting to direct sunlight, sunburns don’t look good in 16th century oil paint.

 

Owing to the complications with a recent bout of Wizarding thefts the Grand Gallery is to be moved to Château de Malfoy, the warding of the Château will greatly increase the security of the Grand Gallery, and give a more dynamic scope to the landscape of the Grand Gallery.

 

The Grand Gallery must include a hot spring, I do adore a hot spring.  And I know that I will enjoy them as a painting too.  Or at least I hope I will.

 

**The Hector Alexi Malfoy Section** : Also known as the “that does not belong in your arse nor does yours belong in it’s arse” section, or the why we must never leave Great Uncle Hector alone.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with a duck.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with a dove.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with a raven.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with a swan.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with a magical duck.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with a magical dove.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with a magical raven.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with a magical swan.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with a magical or otherwise Peacock.

 

A Malfoy shall also not fornicate with a magical or otherwise peahen.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with an owl.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with an owl, magical or otherwise.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with ~~a dodo bird~~ any creature that can possibly be construed as a bird or fowl of any persuasion.

 

 **Revision** : A Malfoy shall not fornicate with ~~a dodo bird~~ any creature that can possibly be construed  ^to be, observed to be, understood to be, believed to be, classified as or in any way shape or form be, a bird or fowl of any persuasion.

 

 **Revision, second draft** : A Malfoy shall not fornicate with ~~a dodo bird~~ any creature that ~~can possibly be construed ^to be, observed to be, understood to be, believed to be, classified as or in any way shape or form be, a bird or fowl of any persuasion.~~ is in possession of wings of any sort.

 

 **Revision, third draft** : A Malfoy shall not fornicate with ~~a dodo bird~~ any creature that ~~can possibly be construed ^to be, observed to be, understood to be, believed to be, classified as or in any way shape or form be, a bird or fowl of any persuasion.~~ is in possession of wings of any sort. ^It does not matter if this is or is not in fact a bird or any other sort of creature or even a statue of a bird or any other creature, if it in fact does possess wings, a Malfoy WILL NOT fornicate with said creature!

 

 **Revision, fourth draft** : A Malfoy shall not fornicate with ~~a dodo bird~~ any creature that ~~can possibly be construed ^to be, observed to be, understood to be, believed to be, classified as or in any way shape or form be, a bird or fowl of any persuasion.~~ is in possession of wings of any sort. ^It does not matter if this is or is not in fact a bird or any other sort of creature or even a statue of a bird or any other creature, if it in fact does possess wings, a Malfoy WILL NOT fornicate with said creature! ~~^Does this include pixies, fairies, fae, and other magical creatures?~~ This is taken to absolutely include pixies, nixies, fairies, fae, magical creatures, and any discovered, undiscovered, yet to be discovered, or previously believed to be extinct races of any winged creature that exists on any known plane of existence in any state alive or dead in any frame of time.

 

 **Revision, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS** : ~~A Malfoy shall not fornicate with a dodo bird any creature that can possibly be construed ^to be, observed to be, understood to be, believed to be, classified as or in any way shape or form be, a bird or fowl of any persuasion. is in possession of wings of any sort. ^It does not matter if this is or is not in fact a bird or any other sort of creature or even a statue of a bird or any other creature, if it in fact does possess wings, a Malfoy WILL NOT fornicate with said creature! ^Does this include pixies, fairies, fae, and other magical creatures? This is taken to absolutely include pixies, nixies, fairies, fae, magical creatures, and any discovered, undiscovered, yet to be discovered, or previously believed to be extinct races of any winged creature that exists on any known plane of existence in any state alive or dead in any frame of time.~~

To save time and all confusion, if it had, has had, has, will have, will have had, will have had has, or in any way shape or form in any point in time, space, existence, in a state of life or death, or just because you spelled them on or off, or you tried sewing them on, a set of or even a single gods damned wing, counting even down to possessing a single feather with in a 400,000 mile radius of where you found it, then DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH THAT THING, **IS THAT UNDERSTOOD**!

 

 **Addendum** : For the ever loving sake of our sanity and any shred of dignity since Great Uncle Hector has some how managed to create plural moments in time we are now making it a given rule that if a Malfoy so much as touches a creature remotely connected to wings in a manor most unbefitting of a Malfoy and that can not be preformed politely in polite Wizarding society or with in plane view of your mother with out getting her prized cobbler thrown at you as she beats you about the head and neck with her antique pure silver serving spoon, that Malfoy shall hence forth be removed from the family tree and summarily set on fire and dumped in the middle of a lake of Infiri to ensure no trace of that former Malfoy can ever be found again, is that understood Hector?!!? I mean, my gods man, you’re 175 years old is it that hard NOT to conjure imaginary seven winged crow made out of silk and cotton candy that exists in a previously unknown fold of space time you’ve taken to calling plural time, in the middle of your great grandson’s eighth birthday party?  And how do you justify calling something that exists in a direct 137° variant of opposition to the natural flow of time’s arrow as a plural of time or plural time when it’s clearly existing in an adjacent aspect of time?  This is exactly why father forbade you from being allowed near Great Grand Aunt Tess’ feather pillows. -added by Lucius Malfoy

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with beasts with hooves.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any hooven beasts.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any cloven beast.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any horned beast.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any beasts of the land.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any tailed beast.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any beasts of the air.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any feathered beast.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any beasts of the sea.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any scaled beast.

 

     >Yes, this does include mercreatures.  For the love of the gods, why would you ever transfigure yourself to be a half shark just to sleep with a mercreature...

 

A Malfoy shall not attempt to fornicate with **ANY** giant squid.

 

     >For the love of the gods Great Uncle Hector we had to wipe the minds of no less then sixty two Hogwarts students when you attempted to ask the giant squid out on a date for the purpose of having sex with said giant squid... this, THIS is why we have the restraining order preventing you from attending any alumni gatherings at the school, please get that through your skull.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with hybrid beasts, magical or not.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any depiction of a beast.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any effigy of a beast.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any animated pictographic representation or animated painting of a beast.

 

A Malfoy shall not fornicate with any effigy of a person, alive or dead, with any part of a best, no mater how sexually attractive he thinks that added part makes him or her.

 

A Malfoy shall For the love of all that is good and decent with our world, would someone please lock Great Uncle Hector’s wand away and keep the man sedated or at least let us enact clause 47a-4, sub section 4, paragraph 6, in which we detail that if Great Uncle Hector is once again caught some how creating something non human or not entirely human for the purpose of fornicating with it, that we revisit the discussion of total sterilization and or removal of Great Uncle Hector’s sexual nature because he’s once again pushed us farther then we ever thought possible!  Do us all a favor and end it NOW!  FOR THE LOVE OF GODS SOMEONE JUST AK THE BASTARD!

 

A Malfoy must be fully clothed in front of children.

 

A Malfoy is not to fornicate with animals in front of children.

 

A Malfoy is not to fornicate with beasts in front of children.

 

A Malfoy is not to fornicate with stuffed animals in front of children.

 

A Malfoy is not to ask for a child’s stuffed animal.  Especially if said Malfoy is Great Uncle Hector.

 

A Malfoy is not to GIVE Great Uncle Hector a stuffed animal.

 

A Malfoy will not transfigure any child’s toy into a sexual object.  FOR ANY REASON.

 

Great Uncle Hector is not allowed to babysit.

 

A Malfoy must not allow Great Uncle Hector near a petting zoo.  Magical or otherwise.

 

A Malfoy must be vigilant and never allow Great Uncle Hector to be unsupervised.

 

Great Uncle Hector is now longer allowed access to a wand with out explicit supervision and at least two heads of the family to closely watch him.

 

Great Uncle Hector is not allowed to cast wordless spells.

 

Great Uncle Hector is have a locator charm placed on him because he has proven one too many times that he can not be trusted not to wander off and preform unsupervised magic.

 

A Malfoy must never allow another wizard to give Great Uncle Hector access to a wand.

 

End of the Great Uncle Hector Alexi Malfoy section, due to his untimely accident involving crumple horned sheep cross bred with an Eruptant that he some how managed to acquire, he left us too soon.  - Lucius Malfoy.

****

**The Abraxas Malfoy Section** : Also known as the warlord of the Grimminstad and the tyrant of the wizarding financial world. ^and the horrible stick up his arse father I despised - Lucius Malfoy

 

A Malfoy Sr. will under no circumstances be referred to by a Malfoy Jr. by anything other then father.  First name basis is for lovers and people worth lying to in order to obtain something of value.  Petty sympathies with one’s own spawn are pointless.  Use of such terms as Dad, Padre, Pop, Papa, Daddy, or the use of your father’s given name will result in sixteen lashes with a Doxie and Nixie venom laced whip multiplied by the number of times you have made this unforgivable transgression against your betters.

 

A Malfoy must always winter in France at the Château de Malfoy and summer in Spain at the Black Mountain estate in our recent acquisition of the now defunct Black School.

 

A Malfoy must always remember not to go alone into the subbasement of the Black Mountain estate.  This is the one and only time and place where muggles are permitted on our property.  Owing to the fact that the demons who we can not seem to remove from the building’s grounds must be fed.

 

A Malfoy will always remember to have the house elves clean the stuffed Goblin head in the parlor once a week.  I, Abraxas Montgomery Malfoy, am personally proud to have beheaded the creature with my wand at nineteen during the last of the Goblin uprising.  Cleaved the head clean off the body and I took the head as a trophy.  And then his widow had the nerve to sue for the head back in the courts.  If I have to pay a stipend to that ungrateful wretch then I’m going to enjoy having her husband’s head on my wall.

 

A Malfoy will always remember to send a photograph of the head and how it hangs on the wall to the ungrateful wastes of magic that are the Goblin family who keep suing me for the head in my parlor.  I’ve taken to ordering decorative hats for the various seasons just for that occasion.

 

 **Amendment** : (Approximately 7 months later) Owing to the Courts ruling that it’s in poor taste to decorate a decapitated head in the sanctity of one’s own home and then share photos of that with a lesser magical being and unruly spawn of the person who’s head you are decorating, we are no longer decorating the head.  Instead I’ve chosen a lovely tattoo for it’s forehead.  I’m told it means something foul and offensive in Goblin tongue, and that Goblins believe marking the flesh denies them rest in the after life.  I’ve been giving thoughts to having the entire head done in obscenities.

 

 **Amendment** : (Approximately 6 weeks later) As the courts have once again struck at the poor wizard and taken away his rights to desecrate the severed body parts of his enemies to his choosing, I’m force to find my amusement through piercings.  I have a lovely piercing that I’ve read about through the beast’s snout.  I’ve thought about hanging my broom from it.  Or maybe taking to hanging random objects from it.  That is the sort of thing they like isn’t it?

 

 **Amendment** : (Approximately 2 weeks later) This time they have gone too far.  The courts have issued an injunction that no farther damage of any kind may be done to the head pending a hearing to determine the legal owner of the head as apparently the so called “desecrations and grievous emotional trauma” my actions have caused have brought up legal president to remove the head from my possession.  Complete hog wash.  I’m having the head dyed later today.  It’ll improve the texture and pigment of the foul thing’s remains.

 **Amendment** : (Approximately 2 days later) The stuffed Goblin’s head is no longer in our possession, as such it has been stricken from the ledger and removed from the wills.  Please see addendum 14c-17zzb for the itemized issues regarding such.

 

A Malfoy must never behead and keep the head or any part of their enemies anymore.  Apparently there is a new law where these beast lovers think just because a magical creature can speak and handle money that it needs rights and legislative protection from predatory hunting.  And after paying five hundred galleons in restitution for claims of distress, we’re doing away with the practice of keeping trophies that we can’t share in “polite society” what ever the devil that is.

 

 _the wizarding courts are all bias mad men.... wouldn’t... wouldn’t understand... understand the power hidden in our pure blood... if it... our pure blood.  that’s it... our pure blood... those fowl creatures have begun to befoul our blood.  idiotic mad men.  we wont be like them.  we’ll be better.  no Malfoy will ever marry a mud blood.  that should be a rule... that..._ -the page has been torn and over half of it is missing, the damage is almost fifty years old at least-

 

Owing to his untimely death to the potion he mixed in a drunken state whilst trying to make the code of conduct a binding blood contract my father, Abraxas Montgomery Malfoy, was found in thirteen neat piles this morning as the house elves were in the midst of making him presentable for the funeral.  As it was, the heads of the side branches have decided that since I’ve been cleared of any possible wrong doing or connection to his death, to name me the heir to the main branch of the family, this was needed as for an unknown reason, no one has seen father’s altered will and thus assume the pile of ashes in what was left of his hand, was likely his will, and with out a clear will, the lesser heads were called in to decide what was right.  On an unrelated note, they’ll be spending the weeks with their families in seclusion, owing to their deeply missing their families as of late, giving me an opportunity to restructure things easier. -Lucius Malfoy.

****

**The Lucius Malfoy Section** : Also known as the “plausible deniablity” clause or the plans and schemes section.

 

A Malfoy must never feed the albino peacocks himself.  Their venom is deadly, let the help feed them.

 

A Malfoy must always follow Thomas M. Riddle, we owe him for his word of vouching on the indelicate matter involving Great Uncle Hector, a goat, and an erotically shaped topiary that happened in front of no less then thirty seven witnesses.  I’m not sure how Thomas did it, but he not only managed to make the charges go away, but he also managed to get Great Uncle Hector into a treatment program quietly.  Remember we owe him.

 

A Malfoy may only Love so long as it does not effect the “Malfoy Family Agenda”TM

 

A Malfoy must never be seen in the South garden.  Too many bodies buried there.

 

A Malfoy must never step foot on the East side of the estate.  I’m given to understand my latest experiments have caused the shrubbery to become quite blood thirsty.  At least the half of the house elf that made it back seemed to believe so.

 

A Malfoy must never admit to anything they can’t repeat in front of a mud blood.

 

A Malfoy must always drink from the goblet of slippery tongues.  Tom has made us do unspeakable things.  And it’s best not to be able to repeat them or tell tales of our exploits.

 

A Malfoy will employ any spell known to wizarding kind to ensure that he can not be made to tell the unvarnished “truth”.

 

A Malfoy will take no shame in using an unforgivable curse on his family to protect himself or his family from the “truth”.

 

A Malfoy head of house will always change the passwords to the secret sections of the house every week to ensure the likelihood of protection against searches.

 

A  Malfoy will NEVER skimp on the price of protective spells.

 

Malfoys only pay for the best.

 

A Malfoy shall.......................................................................................... And if you can see the words there, then the spell didn’t work, recast it till the words vanish.

 

A Malfoy must never, under pain of death, use the potion hidden inside the mantle place.  I think it conjures some sort of beast.  But for the life of me I can’t remember which one.  Getting black out drunk so I can’t be forced to give up a memory I do not have before experimenting was a bad idea.

 

A Malfoy must never trust anyone.  The best poisons taste of honey and make you thank them for the slow death they grant.

 

A Malfoy must never take the word of a Riddle.  They are the most skillful liars in all the magical realms.

 

A Malfoy shall never submit to becoming a vampire willingly.  Should we be turned against our will or made to transition, we will go a head and become a vampire, but we shall do so in splendor.  I have charmed and applied both spell and potion craft to the goal of placing a locked genetic sequence into our line.  If we are ever turned into a vampire, we shall become a master vampire of our line, strong enough to throw off our oppressors, our skin shall not burn in the sunlight because our bodies will grow a diamond skin to protect itself.  Fire is repelled from our changed flesh.  Any missing parts will compel the person who took them to reattach them.  And our polytheist views as witches and wizards protects us from most of the charms that would stop a regular blood drinker.  No Malfoy will be a slave to another master.

 

A Malfoy shall never submit to becoming a werewolf, or other lycanthrope, willingly.  Should we be given the bite against our will I have likewise seeded our genetic structure with dormant spells that will prove lethal to the wolf or creature that has bitten us.  It shall die a most horrible strangled death gasping on it’s on blood for the indignity suffered by us.  The Malfoy who is bitten shall become an alpha of it’s species, gaining strength, speed, the ability to fully transform back and forth, retain his magic, and make the curse his bitch.

 

A Malfoy will always experiment on his children, it’s for their safety.

 

A Malfoy will not bring “toys” to the dinner table.

 

A Malfoy will not sulk.  It’s undignified and makes him look like a spoiled child.  A Malfoy will how ever threaten with in an inch of your life if you ever so much as back talk your father again.

 

A Malfoy’s father is always right.  Unless he’s my father or a ghost of my father.  In which case he’s a raving loon who got drunk and was more likely to explode then tell the truth.  Anyways those who die by undignified means that need a dust bin to pick up the pieces have no right to judge anyone, even from beyond the grave.

 

A Malfoy will never haunt his family.  Haunting is for torturing those we hated most in life.  Our family is off limits.

 

Owing to the lengthy court battle with my father’s ghost and his solicitor, which strangely he won, I have set aside some of the ground we own in Spain to create the Necropolis De Malfoy, a resting place for the Malfoys who... don’t sodding stay in the ground.  I’ve also had a great deal of our wizarding portraits sent there.  The ones who didn’t go to the grand gallery.  However I did leave a copy of one of the paintings from the gallery in the necropolis so that they can travel between it.

 

A Malfoy must never look with in the sealed book of secrets on the third shelf of the upstairs library that requires blood letting to remove it from the shelf.  To do so with out being the master of the house is certain death, and the book will explode.  Also it may kill off all plant life with in a 1000 miles.  And I’m not sure what the blue stuff I added into the potion is... so best to be careful.

 

A Malfoy must never underestimate a Potter.  They are coy and dangerous creatures who will cost you your best servant if you’re not keeping both eyes on them at all times.

 

A Malfoy must never loose an argument to a Weasley.  They’re gingers so they have no souls, and loosing so someone who has no soul and is a ginger is unseemly.

 

As a wedding present to my son, Draco, I am bequeathing the Château De Malfoy to my son and here by relinquish ownership and custodial rights to the ancestral magic contained with in the Château and the grounds around it.

 

Owing to my retirement from wizarding politics and the wizarding world at large, my wife Narcissa and I will hence forth be bequeathing the run of Malfoy Manor, the grounds, and all of the holdings of the main branch of the family to our only son Draco and his family.  We will be moving our holdings to our holding in Spain and be living off of the estate in the Black Mountain.

 

**The Draco Malfoy Section** :

 

A Malfoy must remember that every year on December 13th to make a tribute pyre to the old gods.  They sent the mysterious man who cleaned out the sub basement of the Black Mountain’s estate.  So we pay tribute to them in remembrance.

 

A Malfoy must never make bets with a Weasley.  They know better^more exotic ways of cheating.  I blame it on their muggle loving ways.  Do not trust them in games of chance or in bets about certain scar headed boys’ love lives.

 

A Malfoy must never were yellow on a Thursday, they clash.

 

**The Scorpius Malfoy Section** : aka The Potter Lover section.

 

A Malfoy will always pick the most beautiful of the Potters to grace his bed with.

 

A Malfoy MUST sleep with at least one Potter male from at least one generation, their sexier then they appear.  And frankly they’re damn sexy to look at.

 

A Malfoy must never allow a Potter to see our bed head.  Pre-set hair charms are located on page 32, use them, use them often.  We can never let a single Potter know that our hair is as bad as theirs in the morning.  We’d never live it down.

 

A Malfoy must absolutely utilize time travel to sleep with at least one Potter from every generation of Potters.

 

A Malfoy must kiss Albus S. Potter at least once in his life, sinful lips.

 

A Malfoy simply must blow James Potter, the things he does with his hips....

**Author's Note:**

> Written with aid from Queen Kit (aka Kitty Shinju), Slawterer, Luc, Cupidsvictim, Aflibble, Lord Wrackspurt, and many MANY others. I miss the old gang. Forum Jackers UNITE!
> 
> If you read some of my other Harry Potter fandom stories, you’ll notice some of these get mentioned, or some of the sections get mentioned. This was worked on partly on the RS message boards, RS2’s message boards, and I intend to see it mentioned at least on the new boards as well. If you like a rule, go for it and use it. You never know when it’ll come in handy. And remember the golden rule of fics, share and site. Pass the love around. Might add future sections / chapters as I go along.


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